Brighton Bard no.18

TRUE TRANSLATIONS NO. 3

Daily Star Alternative:

Mans nose 'falls' off due to too much contouring

Interior: Boots (other chemists are available): Vitamin Aisle: Day: 2019

A young Japanese man, around 24 years of age, approaches B.B and speaks in fluent Japanese - apart from 2 key words which are in English. Luckily, Brighton Bard is able to translate any language and / or body language with at least 5% accuracy.

Young Man (in Japanese)

Excuse me, do you know where

I can find make up for

‘Nose Contouring?’

These last 2 words are 100% accurate as they were in English.

I’m concentrating on comparing a cheaper, home brand multi-vitamin versus a packet with a youthful picture of Tess Daly on the front. Perhaps this brand contains a small DNA sample of Tess Daly in each vitamin? No wonder it is triple the price. I shall buy 8 packets. It is a BRIARD (post 1) - Tess Daly’s gene pool is infinitely better than my own.

Hence, deep in Vitamin thought, the nose contouring question is a surprise. I check that this question isn’t directed to a Boots employee standing directly behind me, as answering questions directed to someone else has happened before. And that is awkward.

There is no one. He is definitely speaking to me.

B.B.

Excuse me?

Young Man (in Japanese)

Do you know where I can buy some

make up for nose contouring?

The obvious thing to do at this stage would be to politely say

‘no, sorry’

and get back to thinking about what my future life will be like once I look like Tess Daly, but…..

of course I don’t.

The worst thing happens. I try to help.

B.B.

Nose contouring…

… hmmmm nose contouring.

I’m playing for time because of course I don’t really know which make up is used for this, well I sort of do but don’t know if there is a dedicated section. Then, I think, has he approached me because HE thinks I clearly need to have it done? Maybe I have mistranslated and he is offering to ‘nose contour’ me.

Who knows!!! I start to ‘help’ anyway.

B.B.

It might be along here somewhere.

Why oh why would it be in the vitamin aisle!!

Young Man (in Japanese)

Is there a dedicated aisle to contouring?

B.B.

Erhmmm, I wonder if there is a dedicated aisle

to contouring?

We need someone who works here.

I look around for anyone to help, the Young Man looks around with me although I’m not convinced we are looking for the same thing. I’m looking for a member of staff, a bi-linqual person, another human.

It’s like the Mary Celeste. This poor young man is stuck with me and my packet of 'Tess' (does she contour?)

Young Man

Nose contouring?

He looks so expectantly at me, I’m tempted to whip out my eyeliner and attempt to nose contour him myself. But then, even with being ‘fluent’ in Japanese, I’m still not 100% sure he wants the nose contouring for himself or someone else so there is a high risk of being arrested for assault. The safer option, which won’t result in a criminal record, is to ‘up my search’ for either an employee or the dedicated aisle.

B.B.

Let’s head over to the make-up section.

Off we go together.

It would be SO much easier if I knew what I was actually looking for but for whatever reason, this young man has an emergency nose contouring situation and I am the only person around to ‘help’ until….

like a vision, walking in slow-motion, at the end of an aisle in the distance -

AN ACTUAL EMPLOYEE!!

B.B.

Excuse me!

I break into a jog towards the Employee, waving my 'Tess' vitamins, determined that this Employee will not get away.

Looking back at the events, maybe this was a little too loud and a little too urgent as the

the Employee turns, looks slightly startled, possibly a little frightened and takes a step back as we approach.

A response I'm used to (Post 1, A neighbour).

B.B.

Could you help this Young Man?

He is looking for make up for Nose Contouring.

The Young Man smiles at the Employee, who is clearly relieved it isn’t more of an emergency which my tone and ‘run’ might have suggested.

Employee (smiling at the Young Man)

Yes of course, it’s this way.

The Employee gives me a look that really COULD NOT be described as ‘friendly’,

and steers the Young Man away from me, as if I had been holding him against his will.

Young Man (in Japanese)

Thank you.

B.B.

No problem, good luck!

I smile, and…. wave! Not sure why, but although it had been brief, we had bonded.

I look down at the £800 vitamins as another Employee (like buses) passes me, I can’t resist.

B.B.

Excuse me, do you know if these vitamins actually

contain a teeny tiny bit of Tess Daly?