Brighton Bard no. 19

True Translations no. 3

Daily Star alternative:

"Ageing backpackers accidentally cause the UK to Brexit without a deal by using terrible G.C.S.E. French...

in Spain"

The following took place in a sizable town in Northern Spain, Basque country.

Interior: ‘Boutiquey’, but quite teeny, tiny clothes shop: Day: June 2019

B.B. and Friend are browsing. The Friend is looking at Summer dresses, futile for June in England, but useful in Spain.

A Spanish Lady, possibly the owner or just someone who works in the shop, is a good decade less than 40, stylishly dressed and busy looking at her laptop. She doesn't acknowledge our presence. We are the only people in the shop.

'Coldplay' is in the background, strangely at odds with the ‘cool’ feel of the clothes, accessories and lack of natural light. Hopefully she is re-doing her playlist on the laptop.

The Friend pulls out a dress to examine further and to try on.

Friend (to B.B.)

What do you think?

B.B.

I like it, it’ll suit you.

I couldn’t wear it as it would expose

my ageing knees.

The Friend picks out another dress from the same rack.

B.B. (looking closely at the dress)

Wait a minute. These dresses are from a

shop in Brighton!

Look at the label! This shop is in the Lanes.

I can’t believe it!

We both look at the label with a graphic image of the Palace Pier to prove it.

Friend

That’s amazing!

B.B.

Don’t buy the dresses here,

they'll be half the price at home.

Friend

Yes but we don’t have any children with us so

I can actually try it on, something

I haven’t done for 12 years.

I’m willing to pay twice the price in Euros.

B.B.

Good point.

We go over towards the disinterested Spanish lady and in perfect sign language and English ask if the Friend can try on the dresses. She indicates to a small space with a curtain rail (and curtain). The Friend goes in.

B.B. (to the Spanish lady in a breezy voice but due to a total lack of Spanish, in English.)

You know those dresses, they are from a shop in Brighton!

We are from Brighton! That is so funny!

The Spanish lady looks up to just about acknowledge a ‘sound’ has been made in her direction.

Spanish Lady (in Spanish)

I don’t speak English.

B.B.

Oh ok,

Parlez vous Francais?

WHY OH WHY!! I CAN’T SPEAK FRENCH EITHER!!

Spanish Lady (in Spanish)

No

B.B. (continuing happily in ‘French’)

I live in Brighton!

All the important G.C.S.E French phrases come flooding back.

B.B. cont.

I am 14 years old, have

blue eyes and like playing tennis.

Although I wanted to say:

We know the shop that sells

these dresses! What a coincidence.

But I didn't know any of these words.

The Spanish Lady is silent. I think she was actually fluent in French.

B.B. (swapping to English)

Such a small world.

Spanish Lady remains silent and looks back down at her laptop.

B.B. decides to check in on the Friend who is definitely taking her time.

B.B.

Have you tried them on yet?

Friend

Yes.

B.B.

I’ve been chatting.

Friend

I could hear.

Please stop.

The Friend comes out from behind the curtain.

B.B.

What did they look like?

Friend

Too short.

B.B.

Thought so. It's the knees.

Our new Spanish friend still doesn’t look up, so we awkwardly return the dresses

to the rail, but I remain browsing at other items.

Friend

We have to leave,

the dresses don't fit and

she doesn't care that we are from Brighton.

B.B.

I know.

In my head, that was such a friendly,

positive chat.

But in reality, she wants us to Brexit.

Both B.B. and Friend sigh. We try one last time....

B.B. (to the Spanish lady)

Merci!

Friend

Ciao!

..And leave - the shop, the sizeable town in Northern Spain and quite possibly, the E.U. - without even a new dress.

Sad times.