Brighton Bard no. 1

This is me – part 1

Or if you prefer a more Daily Star title:

‘Sheila the Piranha - surprise guest star on Love Island’

Reader option: Hum the above Greatest Showman song ( I am assuming you won’t make the connection of the first title to that song, which is ridiculous, as anyone with a heartbeat and / or female child will know what that refers to) whilst reading the following. Oh and hum the instrumental - but if you can hum the lyric version ring Simon Cowell.

I love a list so here is one:

(B.B. note to reader: if you get bored, do skip to the Piranha story in No. 2, you won’t be disappointed.)

Things that make me happy:

1/ 5 home-brand classic jam doughnuts for 60p!!

I call this a ‘Briard’.

Learn the word, pronounce it however you want - it means the Brighton Bard ‘no brainer’, it will be used frequently.

Not that no.1 needs clarification BUT, £2.50 on one posh doughnut, which will still clog up your arteries versus 19 – yes 19 no frills, delicious jam doughnuts and you still have 10p change.

2/ Saying a slightly over the top, cheerful ‘Hello!’ to a man on my street who clearly has no idea that I live just a few doors down even though we have actually met and chatted a couple of times.

B.B. is obviously very forgettable (visually and orally) but on the upside, the slightly frightened, defensive step back as I deliver my warm greeting whenever I see him always makes me smile.

Especially effective when I see him out of the context of our street – oh the joy.

3/ People who can parallel park – properly, without bleepers. I am one of them – ‘Gloaty’ I know. This ‘skill’ is made all the better when someone actually witnesses your talent which rarely happens and if it doesn't,

I am always tempted to go door to door, searching for someone who did see the perfect parking manoeuvre - too needy?

B.B. must admit though, the above perfect moment is equally matched with the exact opposite manoeuvre, which is ALWAYS witnessed. Then B.B. gets out of the car with an air of:

‘I’d like to see you try and park this f**king car with 19 children fighting in the back so

I can’t hear the f**king beepers!! And I’ll probably forget to even close all the

doors - let alone f**king lock it!’

And it will inevitably be pouring when this happens too. And the car doors have been left open before.

Just wondering if the above action has anything to do with my neighbour ignoring me?

Must try to remember this is the happy list.

4/ Unexpectedly finding a teeny, tiny Tupperware lid and re-uniting it with the matching teeny, tiny pot, long abandoned in use due to the above missing lid but now back to being fully utilised - until the lid is lost again. Simple things.

5/ Idris Elba (needs no comment) and Hugh Jackman (because of the theme).

6/ NOW THIS IS GOOD. A black, metal sculpture of a steam engine in Brighton standing over a disused part of the railway named – wait for it - the Jenny Lind!!

B.B. IS ONLY 1 DEGREE OF SEPARATION FROM THE JACKMAN

AND THEREFORE ONLY 2 DEGREES FROM THE IDRIS!

The Victorian opera singer actually had a steam engine named after her that was commissioned for the London to Brighton line.

B.B. might have to start a campaign to get a working model made which, let’s face it local south east readers, will probably run more efficiently than the current Southern trains and it will be a lot more fun.

We can ride the ‘Lind’and sing ‘Never Enough’at the top of our voices all the way into Croydon!!

I could go on but I felt no. 6 is a good place to stop and the Piranha story is near now in Brighton Bard no. 2 and those chips won't paint themselves.

B.B.