Brighton Bard no. 11

How to become anAstronaut

Daily Star alternative:

Anally challenged collie dog, adopted by newly qualified Astronaut Brighton Bard, chosen to lead mission toMars in 2026 - if they are both still alive

I have decided on a career change. I am training to become an Astronaut.

PROS:

1/ I am very much looking forward to eating 5 jam doughnuts (for 60p, post 1) in one go and remain weightless!!!

2/ Answering ANY QUESTION with the phrase itself

‘I am training to become an Astronaut’

can instantly get you out of many tricky situations. (Try it, even if you aren't in training).

Q. Fancy going to the live final of Britain’s Got Talent, I have a spare ticket? (post 6)

A. I’d love to normally just to marvel at Amanda’s forehead, but can't, because I’m training to become an Astronaut.

Q. Could you look after my children after school this Thursday?

A. Such a shame, because they really are little shits, sorry angels, but no can do, because I’m training to become an Astronaut.

Q. Could you help me fold this pop-up sun tent into its original bag?

A. Not even Astronaut training covers that skill.

Q. What do you do to 'while away your time here on Earth' a.k.a a job?

A. I’m training to become an Astronaut. BOOM!

(which isn’t a sound I want to hear on launch day)

3/ I love wearing blue. ‘THE’ preferred colour of the Astronaut ONESIE.

4/ Tim Peake will become my new best friend. The life and soul of the party on the International Space Station maybe, but possibly a conversationally challenged man on Earth due to much time alone in space?

I’ll let you know.

5/ Living with teenage children in 2026 versus life on Mars!!! Total BRIARD!!!! (post 1)

Specific training

1/ I need to get a degree in something ‘sciencey / mathsy’ as unfortunately the ability to paint teeny, tiny letters onto chips isn’t considered a core / necessary skill in space – yet. I’ll set aside 2 years.

2/ Then I need 1,000 flying hours (actually piloting the plane I assume rather than just being a passenger) but that’s only if I want to captain the shuttle.

I might skip this part and just aim for becoming a regular Astronaut and am already word perfect with the Easyjet cabin crew safety procedures due to it being my airline of choice / affordability. Might need a louder whistle on the life jacket though for use in space.

3/ Easy Peasy mental endurance tests.

The thought of an isolation tank for several hours is actually very appealing. I won’t be able to hear anyone calling, whining, fighting over the remote, wanting dinner. It might even be worth getting one installed at home for general use / extra practice.

Same goes for the underwater tests or as I view it, a holiday underwater. Who doesn't love all things to do with Atlantis.

I’ll set aside just 2 weeks for mental endurance as many years of parenting has prepared me for any potential

space crisis.

5/ Apparently conversational Russian is a must. Always good to learn a new language.

I presume it's in case some Russian 'tourists' take a wrong turn on the A303 whilst searching for Stonehenge and 'accidentally' end up on the International Space Station.

CONS

1/ NASA or ESA?

Now this is a potential problem as I am not American and with Brexit, I am sensing English astronauts may not be that welcomed at the European Space Centre. Time for Brighton to enter the space race.

2/ Being restrained to the toilet before going, to the toilet. Yes indeed this is an actual space necessity.

No one wants to end their days being flushed into space with their own faeces.

3/ Bored, bored, bored of looking at spinning Earth now.

4/ I get travel sick.

But on the whole, the Pros outweigh the Cons.

MARS HERE I COME - WITH CHIPS.