Brighton Bard no. 12

How Prancer met Dancer

Daily Star alternative:

Animal carnage as stag and hen weekends in Brighton both re-create how Prancer met Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Vixen, Donner, Cupid and Blixen in local nightclub.

Exterior: South Downs: December 1823: It is a damp, misty day.

Brian and Sheila are currently re-incarnated as Reindeer. They are, as normal, just good reindeer friends. They live their life on the South Downs just outside of Brighton. Their days consist of eating, chewing, frolicking with sheep, playing charades. It is a peaceful existence, but Sheila is restless and feels there must be more to this current life form she is inhabiting.

One day, at the beginning of December 1823, they decide to get some sea air and take a stroll into the town of Brighton. Just before they arrive at the seaside, Sheila notices a poster in a toy shop window.

WANTED.

8 MINIATURE, FLYING REINDEER FOR

REGULAR, SEASONAL WORK

Sheila

Would you look at this Brian?

Brian trots over and looks at the poster behind Sheila.

Sheila cont.

It seems that someone called Clement C. Moore has written a poem

called ‘Twas the night before Christmas’ featuring

– wait for it, 8 miniature, flying reindeer!

Brian

That is just weird.

What are the teeny, tiny reindeer doing - apart from flying?

Sheila

Pulling a miniature sleigh driven by someone called St. Nick?

Brian

Who?

Sheila

St. Nick, short for St. Nicholas. It says here, also needed,

An overweight, white man, preferably with own

beard and red robes.

Brian

That is not a good look.

Sheila

This poster wants us, the Reindeer, to re-create this poem in which

the Reindeer pull this St.Nick bloke as he delivers presents to children.

Sheila reads out the poster.

'...every Winter in various wonderlands all over the world until the end of time

or our natural death - whatever comes first.'

This is it Brian!

The chance for us to travel, see more than just this small, seaside town.

You can be Prancer and I can be Dancer!

Brian

What the f**k are you talking about?!

The Pavillion has just been completed Sheila,

the Prince Regent is coming down next week

and I still haven’t visited the chain pier yet.

This town is getting bigger!

Sheila

Plenty of time for that in the Summer Brian. Let’s audition!

Brian

But we aren’t miniature nor can we fly. And I’m not sure about

this St.Nick, what’s in it for him?

Sheila

Oh stop with the negative thought Brian.

People will love us!

Brian

Well, it’s true that no human can resist our droopey noses.

Sheila

We’re reindeer Brian, not moose.

Brian is busy reading the poster.

Brian (reading the poster)

Have you seen the rest of the names - ridiculous!

And what’s this about possibly

'A 9th lead Reindeer

will be needed who must be prepared to have

his nose painted red and wait for it … be called Rudolph'!!

Sheila

Read the small print Brian.

That’s a future role not needed until 1939

- we’ll be long re-incarnated before then.

Brian

What’s wrong with ‘Kevin’ being the lead Reindeer?

Sheila

It doesn’t begin with an ‘R’.

Brian

Roger then.

Roger the red nosed Reindeer could catch on.

Sheila

Brian, I think you are fixating too much on the names.

Brian

Raymond? Ricky..?

Sheila (getting slightly annoyed now)

Stop Brian!

It’s Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer and he

hasn’t even been invented yet!

Come on, let’s give this 'pulling a sleigh thing' a go.

Where’s your spirit of adventure I loved

about you in the 6th century when we were Buddhist monks in POST 9?

Brian (with a small nostril-flaring sigh)

Alright Sheila, we can go check it out, I suppose.

Where is the first amazing, life-changing

Winter Wonderland going to be?

Sheila (reads poster)

In something called….

a Shopping Centre?

Brian

Hmmm.

I’m not convinced Sheila this is going to catch on.