Brighton Bard No. 13

End of Days

Daily Star alternative:

‘How to Wipe My Own Arse App. saves lives’

claim developers

Exterior: Day: Brighton Beach. December 2050.

It is a balmy 34 degrees. Brian and Sheila (in human form again) live in a beach hut which have all been sold off as luxury 'Absolute Beach Front Living' for just under 3 million pounds each.

Brian and Sheila bought this beach hut together with 46 other people. They all occupy the space in pairs and in 2 hour shifts.

The sea front is busy as usual due to global warming, with Brighton now averaging 28 degrees all year. However with the warming, the whole of the English channel is now also the number one breeding territory for the Great White Shark so it is only possible to ‘swim’ in the designated iron cages.

Interior: Teeny, tiny aeroplane sized bathroom in Absolute Beach Front Hut.

Day: 10.30am

Brian is using his 2 hours in the hut to go to the toilet. Sheila is making a picnic whilst watching Holly Willoughby on 'This Morning' which is now broadcast live from the Commons because Holly is also the Prime Minister. She was voted in by a referendum in 2018 to sort out BREXIT which she failed to do, but the public loved her so much for her humanitarian work on 'I'm a Celebrity....', she has remained in power ever since.

Today, Holly is demonstrating how easy it is to fold up a pop-up sun tent, something Sheila has never been able to do.

Brian (a little desperate)

Sheila? Sheila!

Sheila

What is it Brian?

Brian (with rising panic)

Oh shit, SHIIITT!

Sheila (a little irritated now)

What is it Brian?

Holly is just going to demonstrate

the tricky zip part of the tent.

Brian

It’s…. it’s too awful to say!

Sheila

Are you alright in there?

Brian

I can’t do it! I can’t remember how to do it!!

Sheila

What are you on about Brian?

Brian

MY ARSE SHEILA!

I CAN’T REMEMBER

HOW TO WIPE MY OWN ARSE!

Sheila

Don’t panic Brian!

We were all warned this

was an inevitability back in 2018.

Brian

I should have listened!

I know that now!

I even watched 3,874 You Tube videos on why

watching You Tube videos would eventually

result in the inability to remember basic functions

and now

IT HAS HAPPENED!

But right now,

just get my phone, I NEED A VIDEO!

Oh god, I had a really hot curry last night, the smell Sheila, quick!

Brian (getting a little weepy now)

Is there an App?

Please tell me there’s an App. Sheila.

Sheila

Wait – here it is!

‘HOW TO WIPE YOUR OWN ARSE’ App.!

Look at that!

It was developed by

your mum!!

Brian

Unbelievable!

She would never say how she

made her millions!

Sheila

There are 789 animations showing you how to do it.

But it needs a password.

Shall I do your normal one?

PRANCER1?

Brian

YES! Just do it quickly!

789 animations?

Will that be enough?

Sheila

It’s nearly finished loading.

Brian (so desperate now)

What else do I need Sheila?!

That white thing, comes in a roll,

Oh what, what is it called?!

Sheila (remaining calm as always)

‘Toilet paper’ Brian, and you never replace it.

Luckily I do.

It will all be explained in the App.

Don’t worry.

Sheila cont.

Here it is. Good luck Brian.

Sheila slides the door open and Brian scrabbles his hand around the frame to take the phone.

Brian

Oh thank you!

Half an hour passes and finally Sheila hears the toilet flushing.

But then……silence. The bathroom door still remains closed.

Sheila

Brian?

Are you ok now?

Brian

Hang on Sheila,

I’m just watching 52 follow up videos.

Sheila

On what?

Brian

The thing that’s by my ankles,

You wear them – on your legs.

Can be long or short.

Oh....what are they?

Sheila

Trousers?

Brian

Yes!

Trousers! That’s it.

I can’t remember how to pull them up.