Brighton Bard no. 14

True Translations part 2

Daily Star alternative:Old dog to appear on Dragons Den with new

human lead invention

The following happened last week.

The Dog dialogue is translated from Brighton Bard’s ability to translate any situation through observation and in this case, listening to a few barks.

BUSY BRIGHTON STREET: DAY: 2018

One slightly damp, drizzly day in Brighton, there was a Man. This Man owned a dog - called Brian, yes, Brian is currently re-incarnated as a true mutt of a dog but with a kind heart.

(Why oh why do so many of these posts feature dogs!! Where are the ‘hilarious' ferret stories that end

‘…and then I realised it was in my trousers all along’.)

Back to the Man with the dog. The dog was a good dog but really crap at crossing roads – which is understandable being a dog who just wanted to sniff out other dogs urine and follow it happily until the end of time or, in this case, until it probably gets run over.

This Man didn’t help the dog because the dog wasn’t ever taken on a city walk with a LEAD!

Oh how in a busy seaside town, a lead would so help the dog cross a road safely.

Dog Brian

Oh what a lovely day for a walk.

I love fine drizzle!

Man (calling to Dog Brian who has run off ahead, and starting to panic that

Dog Brian won’t stop at the road)

Brian!

Brian! STOP!

Dog Brian stops briefly and looks around as he recognises that the man whom he loves in that unconditional dog way, has made a noise which might or might not be directed at him because Dog Brian can’t understand English.

Man (with rising panic)

Brian!

Stop!!!

At the road!

Dog Brian

There is that noise again from Man!

It really distracts me from sniffing.

The Man has now caught up with Dog Brian who luckily is sniffing whilst stationary.

Man

Brian! The road!

STOP AND SIT.

Dog Brian

Nope - not got it.

Man

Sit Brian!

S. I. T. !

Dog Brian

Hang on – I recognise the ‘S’ and the ‘I’ and was that a ‘T’ sound?

SHIT! The man wants a shit!

Or does he want me to do a shit?

Who knows.

I’m going to sit down for a while by this road as this

could take some time to sort out.

Man

Well done Brian!

Let’s go.

The Man continues walking across the road.

Dog Brian

Looks like a false alarm. I hate it when that happens.

You think it’s going to come out, you assume the position and..

…nothing.

The Man and the Dog continue down the street. Dog Brian is happy as he has definitely sniffed out his friend Sheila’s urine and is now following it. Another road is up ahead.

Man

Brian! BRIAN!

S..T..O..P!!!!

Dog Brian

God, is there no peace!

Man (now running again towards Brian)

Sit, SIT!

This is such a dangerous road!

SIT!

Dog Brian

Let me say this carefully.

I DON’T NEED A SHIT!

If you do, and are having problems going,

can I suggest a gentle laxative?

I’m going to sit here for a bit.

Man

See - you can do it! Well done!

Dog Brian

I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU.

Man

Off we go.

Dog Brian

Unbelievable!

They continue up the road. Dog Brian bounding on ahead having just picked up the scent of his friend Bernard, who is a St. Bernard.

There is yet another busy junction up ahead, the Mans phone rings, he answers and starts talking.

Dog Brian has stopped and is happily sniffing Bernard's quite fresh piss on a tree when suddenly…

CAR

BEEEEEPPPP!!

The Man has taken a step into the road whilst on the phone and is narrowly missed being hit by a car.

Brian looks up.

Man (visibly shaken)

SHIT!!

Dog Brian wanders up behind Man and sits beside the road.

Dog Brian

MAN! That was close.

I thought I was really crap at crossing roads

but you are too!

We have got to get one of those lead things

so I can stop you walking into roads and killing yourself.

Man (calm again now)

Good Dog, Brian,

You have finally learnt to sit and wait at

a road.

Dog Brian

No, can’t understand a thing you are saying.

But whilst we've stopped,

I do need a quick shit.