Brighton Bard no. 15

New Year Resolutions

Daily Star Alternative:

Seagull makes New Year Resolutions

January 7th 2019: Brighton Beach: The end of the Pier. Low, grey cloud, 8 degrees.

Brian, currently a seagull, is sitting on a post at the end of the pier, gazing out at sea and feeling a little peckish. His friend Sheila swoops down with a piercing, cawing, seagull cry and settles next to Brian.

Brian (so happy to see his friend)

Sheila!

Where have you been? I haven’t seen you for ages!

I thought your cholesterol levels had finally got so high from

our chip based diet, that you had had

a mid- flight fatal heart attack!

Sheila

Thanks for that image Brian and Happy New Year to you too.

As you can see, I haven’t dropped dead from the sky but

I have actually been really ill.

Brian

Me too! I have had an awful throat.

Still can’t do a really loud ‘caw’.

Sheila

That sounds awful Brian.

I, however, have had avian flu.

Brian

I thought that killed us?

Sheila

Normally yes – but I managed to attack an unsuspecting

human who had just left the chemist with a prescription which

I deftly stole, consumed, along with most of the paper bag and bingo –

still here to tell the tale!

Brian

That's impressive Sheila.

Lucky that it was an antibiotic perscription you stole

and not one for haemorrhoids.

Sheila

So apart from a pitiful cawing, everything alright?

Brian

Yes – great thanks.

Made some new year resolutions.

Sheila

Oh yes? What are they?

Brian

Number 1:

I am no longer going to shit whilst flying.

Sheila

Really? It’s so pleasurable and

you are fastidious about keeping a clean bottom feather.

Brian

Yes I know, but don’t you remember how annoying it was when we were

humans to get shat on from a great height from an oversized seagull?

Sheila

That is very thoughtful of you Brian. Any more?

Brian

Number 2:

I’m becoming a Vegan.

Sheila

Oh you and everyone else.

I don't think you'll survive without battered cod.

Brian

Resolutions are not meant to be easy Sheila.

Sheila

Is that it? 2?

Brian

One more.

I’m transgendering.

I’m dropping the 'BRI' and going with 'AN',

and adding an extra 'N', which is silent.

Sheila

Oh Brian, sorry Ann, with an additional 'N' which is silent,

that’s wonderful news!

I always wanted a BFF!

Ann

What about you Sheila? Any new year resolutions?

Sheila

F**k no.

It’s a ridiculous tradition dating back to Babylonian times, 4,000 years ago,

when they honoured the new year – which at that time was mid March -

with gifts and unrealistic promises to the Gods thus

‘ensuring’ their crops would grow.

Plus 88% of seagulls fail to keep their resolutions by

February proving MY point that it is utterly...

...POINTLESS.

Ann has turned her head away and closed her eyes.

Sheila cont.

Brian? Brian?

Ann? Are you listening to me?

Ann

Yep, just a minute.

Ann flaps her wings, lets out a pitiful caw.

Ann cont.

We need to fly to another post, I’ve crapped on this one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!