Brighton Bard no. 2

‘This is me - continued’

Or if you prefer a more Daily Star title:

‘Sheila the Piranha - surprise guest star on Love Island’

Yes, it is a continuation of no.1 and the piranha story is near now!

Things that push me over the edge:

1/ Being pushed from behind. Oh come on! The keyboard literally wrote that itself.

2/ Splishy, splashy front crawl swimmers.

They make a perfectly functioning, medium speed swimming lane look like it actually contains a school of piranhas. Is it 'school’ of piranhas? Google it if you really want to know the correct term for a group of orthodontically challenged fish.

Alright I looked it up for you and it’s a shoal, just like any other fish. ‘Gnash’ would be better

BUT

much more importantly, whilst Piranha 'researching', I found out that an aquarium in Wales (not sure the geography of the aquarium is important here) bought one male and one female piranha hoping to make lots of little piranhas. Would this be a good unique selling point? I suppose they are only species that have worse teeth than us ‘United Kingdom-ers’ so maybe this breeding program is sponsored by local orthodontists to make us all grateful of their service improving our 'Piranha' teeth whereas not a 'brace' in sight for our fishy friends.

.

But thinking about it, who does actually want to see teeny tiny (yes, this is also a phrase I will repeat because I have limited adjectives and I love it writing and saying it) delicate but weirdly translucent little sea horses, nodding along, going nowhere, when there is the potential for a small child to completely ignore the sign

‘Don’t put your hands in the water’

of the Piranha tank.

Froth, blood, screams – I’m with the Welsh – breed those Piranhas and I’ll buy an annual membership to that aquarium, especially on primary school visiting days.

I digress – before the above scene can take place, there has to be a thriving community and so back to our original, potential piranha couple in Wales.

The female piranha (let’s name her Sheila) clearly thought she was at least an ‘8’ in the piranha dating world, and ‘good old Brian’ as he was fondly known, that she was ‘tindered’ with, was only a ‘4’, so, I quote, Sheila thought,

‘Sod this, I’m not having my beautiful Piranha genes diluted with this ugly tosser’

‘BUT I did skip breakfast…'

Full from a delicious meal, and not pregnant by a tosser – life doesn’t get much better!!

A total Briard and a true story. Poor old Brian.

I wonder if our heroine ever found true love? Best get yourself upto that Welsh aquarium to find out! Clever. Welcome back Welsh readers.

3/ Yes I am still writing a list. Number 3.

Making meringues that when cooled, resemble the outside of a scrotum sack.

B.B. has a good friend in Kemp Town who is convinced there is a market for the above. Best not to Google scrotum sack and Kemp Town together.

4/ Tom Cruise (too random?) and definitely don’t add his name to the above search.

5/ Love Island. Controversial!!

This would definitely move onto my happy list if Sheila and her female mates, could be re-housed there from the Welsh aquarium with some other potential suitors (if they don't eat them all during the journey).

Imagine, Caroline Flack (other Presenters are available) cooling her hot feet with a little paddle at the end of a tough day Presenting on a beautiful beach, wondering what is causing those small, but getting larger, frothy bubbles further out to sea. She wades in, curious, her last thoughts:

‘This is too shallow for a splashy, splashy front crawl swimmer ……. ‘

Go Sheila!!

You should be still humming from post 1.

All together now:

‘This is brave, this is proof,

This is who I’m meant to be

This is …

..the Brighton Bard’