Brighton Bard no. 3

3 True Conversations

Daily Star alternative:

‘Popped cyst in anal-gland of dog renders B.B. speechless’

Random conversation no. 1

Exterior: Beautiful sunny morning: Undercliff walk outside of Brighton:

Brighton Bard is enjoying a stroll and comes across a female cyclist, 60’s, photographing a stunning purple flower, thriving god knows how, on the chalk cliff face. Not a drop of earth to be seen.

Dutch Cyclist

It’s beautiful isn’t it?

B.B.

Absolutely, I have no idea how it actually

grows in the chalk.

B.B. moves conversation on in case the Dutch Cyclist asks me something specific about the purple flower – as in, what is it?

B.B.

Have you come far?

Dutch Cyclist

Dover.

B.B.

Wow, that’s a long way. And where are you going?

Dutch Cyclist

Plymouth.

B.B. is visibly impressed having only strolled about half a mile and calculated that that the Durch Cyclist had a total distance of about 285 miles. Plus, I was at the end of my walk.

Dutch Cyclist

And then I cycle back through France ....to Holland.

(Hence B.B. knows she is Dutch) but now is wondering if this lady is:

a/ Human

b/ Map-less

c/ Mad

d/ All of the above

B.B.

(pause, recovers but without a witty reply)

And how long will that take you?

3 months, 2 months, surely she is not going to say something ridiculous like 2 weeks.

Dutch Cyclist

2 weeks

B.B. is feeling unfit, unmotivated, generally shit now - and a bit hungry.

B.B.

(nearly speechless)

Well, good luck!

She is clearly d/.

Did I mention she was camping! Not even a bath to look forward after cycling 8,000 miles a day.

Random conversation no.2

Exterior: Beautiful sunny morning: Beach, 20 minutes later:

B.B. is enjoying a refreshing dip in the sea, a smattering of people are on the beach. It is glorious. A lady, 50’s, in a bikini, (not an important detail) is doing the tippy-toe dance with outstretched balancing arms, of someone walking on pebbles without wet shoes, trying to get into the sea which although lovely, is still f**king freezing to begin with.

She’s in.

B.B.

(in a wetsuit and most definitely wearing wet shoes)

It’s lovely isn’t it! Once you’re in.

Woman

Yes! (pause)

This is so good for my mental health!

Woah there!

I mean, yes I too agree with that statement but wouldn’t offer it up straight away to a stranger whilst swimming in the sea.

B.B.

(pauses, mulling over a reply that focuses less on mental health)

I’ve just met a Dutch lady cycling home to Holland,

… via Plymouth … and France.

Random conversation no. 3.

Exterior: Beautiful sunny morning: Undercliff walk, 30 minutes later:

Refreshed from the mental health swim, B.B. is again strolling along the undercliff walk. A Scottish man (not really important but also not that common in Brighton), 60’s, is trying to persuade a clearly older Collie dog who has stopped dead in its tracks, to walk on. It is very hot and I feel for the dog until it turns to look at me as I approach to pass.

The dog has one blue and one brown eye - unnerving.

Man (to dog)

Come on now.

B.B.

Arrhh, I know how she feels. It’s so hot.

Is she very old?

(why of why do I start these random conversations?!)

Man

13.

Her back legs don’t work so well.

B.B. nods in empathy, but still a bit cautious of the bluey / browny stare of the Collie who is panting loudly and holding eye contact with very few blinks. A 'stare' for help?

Man cont.

She has trouble with her water works too.

B.B. is still empathising whilst mentally designing a ‘Tenor’ lady for dogs, but also keen to leave. However, the dog has begun to move slowly in the same direction so escaping is tricky especially as B.B. was only strolling to begin with so to suddenly break into a hurried pace would seem inappropriate.

And then it happens.

Man cont.

And she has a cyst on her left anal gland...

(pause)

...that’s popped.

The sentence hangs in the air and B.B.'s butt cheeks involuntarily clench.

‘That’s popped!’

As if the cyst on the left anal gland wasn’t enough information! No wonder the dog doesn’t want to go for a walk, it could explode with shit at any time!

Never did B.B. think that it would be regretting not continuing the mental health conversation of a stranger in the sea and where is a Dutch cyclist when you need one.

B.B’s reaction to many things is ‘F**K!!’

but no, in this case B.B. was just ....speechless.