Brighton Bard no. 6

The Portable Emoji

Daily Star alternative:

‘Ping pong bat wins Britain’s Got Talent’

B.B. has enlarged the three following emoji’s,

😂 (hilarious / ironic)

🤔 (let me think about that / interesting point)

😶 (f**k off)

stuck them onto ping pong bats and they are now carried around in a bag, ready to pull out during any conversation or meeting.

The older I get - and I am just over 30, by a decade, well a decade and a bit - I find that I am, surprisingly, more and more dependent on using the above on what’sapp, texts, e-mails, in fact any written word. It is something that has crept on me, this sudden self-doubt, a lack of confidence that people will not understand that my words are actually hilarious without the ‘crying with laughter’ face of a yellow circle.

It is literally 🔪me to write this blog without using them 😂.

I never used to suffer from this, or maybe I did, but back in analogue days, the symbol technology was limited to simple traditional mis-use of punctuation. The use of a question mark followed by an exclamation mark in a text or wait for it, HAND WRITTEN LETTER (google it) signalled very well that my comment was ironic, hilarious or both. But self-doubt has also crept into my oral world hence the invention of:

The Portable Emoji

Imagine how useful it would be, especially when meeting people for the first time, people who have yet to discover how funny and clever you are and just think you are either on medication or need medicating.

You say something witty and intelligent, and sensing they will react with ‘nothing’, you whip out your portable homemade adapted ping pong bat with correct emoji on and bingo, they double up in laughter, marvel at your wisdom or simply f**k off.

I have limited it to just 3, although I am tempted to get 🆎 onto a bat for an emergency just in case I’m in a situation where I need to indicate my blood type. Just a shame I’m ‘O’ positive – still in an emergency I’ll accept any blood.

The portable emoji could also help friends and colleagues out in tricky situations when they too are experiencing a dust-ball moment and suddenly there you are, whipping out the ping pong bat, coming to their social rescue by indicating visually to the type of response that is required.

B.B. even had a recent dream involving a contestant on Britain’s Got Talent, using the portable emoji’s during their act (as long as the copyright of this idea has been paid in full). The desperate act, sensing the Judges needed help with the right reaction to his dancing dung beetle which not only couldn’t dance, wasn't actually even there - is too hasty getting a ping pong emoji bat out.

The 'wrong' bat flies from his hand, and in slow motion, grazes Cowell on the chin before slicing into the Holden forehead square on. The auditorium is silent. The cameras all focus on a close up of the ping pong bat with the ‘f**k off” symbol on it, firmly wedged.

The natural, anti-aging ‘creams’ are good, but even they cannot stop the inevitable result of the trauma from the blunt force of an emoji ping pong bat.

A single crack rings out ……. and there they are! Appearing one by one! The Holden wrinkles!!

B.B. wakes up from this happy dream but the joy is short lived. The harsh age ravines in the skin caused by sleeping on one side for too long on a soft cotton pillow are all too visible and will take a good few hours to ‘iron’ out.

Just enough time to research anti-wrinkle cream.