Brighton Bard no. 7

Fancy a beer?

Daily Star alternative:

B.B. in hiding with a bottle of wine after leading hugely unpopular campaign against craft beer cans

When B.B. looks at a beer can and then has to ask …

Is there beer in this can?

…then the packaging revolution has gone too far!

SO CONTROVERSIAL!

Especially in Brighton where B.B. has witnessed innocent day trippers forcibly removed from a craft pub having ordered a beer that has no extreme graphic representation on the can and not been brewed with a mixed fruit cocktail for 17 years.

B.B. has gone very much Victor Mildrew (for the over 40’s) / Karl Pilkington (for the unders) on this subject and I must make it clear that it is ONLY the beer cans that is tipping B.B. over the edge – who doesn’t love a ‘floral packaged’ crisp packet to disguise the 20% salt!

And it’s not the taste that B.B. objects too either, it’s just B.B. doesn’t actually have a sophisticated enough palate or vocabulary and after tasting the above craft beer will comment

'Hmmm, nice'.

Anyway read on, as B.B. has the solution for a simple ‘beer can’ life.

Three brands of beer, in plain cans with a label saying exactly what it is.

A classic BRIARD!

(see post 1, a BRIARD is a Brighton Bard 'no brainer' - thought it would be used more frequently but that's not been the case, so no -one will remember what the f**k it is!!)

Everyone can be clear with these beers that:

The cans actually contain beer.

No information about the blend / brewing process / delicate fragrance because - wait for it, no one would admit the following - no one actually cares!! Such bold talk in Brighton.

B.B. has helpfully paired the beers with their perfect social scenario.

BEER 1.

Point to it or order vocally.

Pretty Good Beer

(quite strong)

This beer is perfect for a planned night out, when you think,

'I am actually looking forward to going out and spending some quality time with

friends / partner / bar staff

and I want to drink a beer that I know has been brewed with a little bit of effort to make

my night out that much nicer / more forgetful in the morning.

I’ll have a Pretty Good Beer please'.

BEER 2.

Drinkable Beer

(tasty - don't mind if I do)

'Drinkable' is perfect for the impromptu beer, the one where you don’t really care if the brewer has sung lullabies to the hops, you just want something quite nice, (I did warn of limited vocabulary), not too strong, so that when a ‘quick one’ turns into 15 cans, you don’t feel it’s been a total waste, because you aren’t vomiting up the good stuff.

BEER 3.

Fizzy Piss - Beerish

(frustratingly weak, but sometimes all that’s needed)

This is for those nights / moments when you should be drinking a glass of pimped up fizzy water but that’s just not going to cut it. You are alone in the house, a Pretty Good Beer and even a Drinkable seems indulgent on a Monday morning after the school run, but a Fizzy Piss is perfect.

Done! No more confusion.

Just 3 cans, with varying strengths of beer in them – revolutionary.

Got to get them designed now.