Brighton Bard no. 8

TrueTranslation

Daily Star Alternative

‘After 80 years together in the shade, I’m divorcing him to sit in the sun’ states newly single Italian lady, aged 96

The following action takes place in Italy, in Italian, of which B.B. cannot speak a word of.

However, through the universal language of exaggerated gestures and intonation, B.B. has translated what happened and is quite certain, at least 10% of the following is accurate – but probably not any of the number references.

Exterior: Morning: Italian piazza overlooking the sea, lined by olive trees with benches underneath the trees. It’s 38 degrees. One side of this area is in the shade, one in the sun.

Man, 92, very smart, very Italian and in B.B.’s opinion, extremely overdressed in shirt, chinos, proper shoes with socks – yes socks in 38 degrees but no hat! He sits down on a white concrete bench in the shade next to B.B. who is struggling to survive the heat with just a swimsuit on, water bottle in hand.

The man folds his arms and admires the view.

Woman, 88, approaches the man. She is also so very elegant and could easily be invited to an impromptu wedding and fit in perfectly – again very unlike B.B. who is the colour and texture of a piece of unbaked dough - that is sweating.

Woman (in Italian, slightly irritated)

Why are you sitting in the shade?

There are plenty of seats over there.

She gestures to the very empty benches in the sun.

Man (in Italian)

Are you mad?!

It’s 38 degrees!

He also gestures to the empty benches.

Woman (in Italian)

(getting more irritated)

But I love the sun! It’s a beautiful morning, surely you can

manage 10 minutes, for me, after 80 years,

you miserable old bugger.

Man (In Italian)

(mirroring her growing irritation and adding mildly aggressive Italian gesticulation)

I’m 92! There is no way I am sitting in the sun!

Woman (In Italian)

(mirroring angry gesticulation)

Well, I am! For 75 years I have been sitting

in the shade with you but no more!

TODAY, I AM

GOING TO SIT IN THE SUN!

She walks off determinedly to the sunny bench, the man watches as she sits down.

He turns to B.B. who has been subtly witnessing and 'translating' what was happening.

Man (to B.B. in Italian)

What can you do erh?

She loves the sun, I hate the sun.

He is chuckling now, shrugging his shoulders, he doesn’t seem in the least bit surprised or upset and probably doesn’t expect a reply. But B.B. decides to mirror his expression and answers loudly and slowly - in English.

B.B. (in English)

She must really love the sun!

Man (in Italian, slightly surprised at getting any response)

I love the shade, she hates the shade.

B.B. (in English)

I’m struggling in the shade!

Man mumbles something quietly, shakes his head but in a light hearted manner that B.B. finds hard to ‘translate’, (to be honest, he could have been bemoaning about his popped anal cyst and B.B. wouldn’t have known, not speaking any Italian, see Post 3), but he is smiling, indicating a lack of internal backside discomfort.

He resumes his gaze out to sea.

Man (sort of to B.B. in Italian)

We’ve been coming here for 75 years and we argue over the sun

and shade, every time. She’ll come back in a minute.

He turns to look at his wife, who catches his eye. He smiles and waves. She doesn’t wave back. I sense she may have reached a turning point in their long relationship.

A younger man (in his 50’s), approaches the older man, again so well / over-dressed, not a sweat stain or crease in his shirt, acting like it’s a mere 18 degrees. He greets the older man warmly with hugs and kisses. Such a joy to see; so un-English.

It is his son.

Younger Man (to older man in Italian)

Where is mama?

Man (in Italian)

Oh, you know what she’s like! She’s a miserable old bugger,

couldn’t manage 10 minutes in the shade.

She’s over there.

They both wave. The woman now waves warmly back, more to her son, and gets out a huge novel, which she opens near the beginning.

B.B. (in English)

Looks like she won’t be back in the shade for a while!

They both turn to look at B.B. quizzically.

B.B. (in English, slowly, to the son)

We were chatting…

before you came…

about the heat..

and how your mum loves the sun..

whilst he loves the...shade.

At least, I think that’s what he said.

B.B. runs out of steam, sensing the son can’t translate so well.

The younger man says something to the older man, gestures to B.B. with an inquiring hand.

Young Man (in Italian to his Dad)

Who the f**k is this English person who looks like a

melting pot of lard?

B.B. smiles and gets busy opening the water bottle.

Older Man (to younger man in Italian

accompanied with a dismissive hand gesture in my direction)

Oh, who knows, but have you ever seen ‘blue’ skin?

They both burst into laughter at this private moment and head off slowly in the direction of the older woman, whom I am quite sure looked distinctly irritated that they were going to interrupt her reading in the sun.

Then again, I could have mis-translated.